Back to the yoga Mat today. I had to stop for a few days because of the physical presentation of migraines that I could not seem to return to sender, identify as my own, and stave off the atmospheric pressures. Joy. As I sit and breathe choosing a restorative practice I barely made it in 7 minutes. I was ancy, fighting, fidgeting. My body and my mind could not agree about what it needed. I felt the frustration rise out of my body in a searing release of breathy lung exhale. Moving through frustration for me use to be easy. I find that with the changes to life and the build up of what's possibly not been healed, my body is talking to me again and showing me through the presentation of symptoms.
As I sit with this... the word I hear is anger. BINGO. Yes, even wise people can experience anger. I'm just choosing to do something about it vs allowing it to consume my whole day to the best of my abilities. Why anger?
The roll call of checklists begin to come and emerge. Unfulfillment, dissatisfaction, trauma, disappointment and on and on it listed. I turn inward to my body. "What is going on with you besides the bubbling up from yesterday's triggers?" "Kaile we are deeply misaligned with our current life. To come back into alignment seeking must happen. I am raging against the feels of disharmony and discomfort and showing you this through even the simplest of tasks." Whoa nelly and a large FUCK God damn it slew of frustrated syllables and boogers begin to emerge. I seek all the damn time! the frustration of that statement really bothers me. When we are misaligned, disharmonious, plagued in ways we haven't been able to heal, it is showing up in my body as such.
One of the things I'm trying to wrap my head around as a practitioner is a deepening beyond the surface understanding of how our mind body soul is connected through our modality teachings. It is that our body really is more than just a communication piece and a truth meter. It is a mirror of how we directly experience the world around us, and a direct connection to how we feel inside about ourselves. I fully am on board with honoring feelings and allowing them to be apart of the experience for growth because to do so otherwise, would in itself be a bypass of personal healing, growth, and denial of what needs to be known through experience.
The hard questions come: Where have I bypassed so much in my life that I called in Lyme? That I called in such vast anger (and as I write this -- self hatred) and discomfort with everything you have worked hard to achieve?
I've never thought of myself as a bypasser. I generally do the "work" as the healing community would suggest. God I hate that word. Can we find another word that isn't filled with suffering to denote shit that's gotta be looked at? ---Oh and NOT trendy?
I gently hear my guides whisper..."Not all of which have you called in on purpose or by accident. It's ok to acknowledge outside experiences that may have forged things we didn't know at the time. We only know what we know when we know it. Be easy on yourself about taking ALL the responsibility, when some of it is shared my love."
I was then reminded of a thought stirred by another colleague put into words that I couldn't seem to find to express the feeling. We need to stop glorifying trauma as a teacher. To say that trauma can be a gift might work for some people, but not for others. Trauma and the painful experiences in life, don’t necessarily make you stronger. There's no reason to assume, they are a necessary part of growth. Who's to say myself or another human wouldn't learn what they needed to in a completely different manner? You know what they say about assume.... These were trials and tribulations that created serious wiring of the brain and body that we now need to take responsibility for to unwire and it's a lot of damn work. Could we consider the belief that we somehow benefit from the abuses we endure? Possible --- I'm open to the argument, but I agree with the notion that was presented to me that It can keep us perpetuating abuse and spreading pain or even holding on to it and forcing it to somehow fuel us.
Years later, my brain is still unwiring from the tone of things set in motion from a very early age by more than one person which colored how I would relate to myself and to accept relations from others perpetuating abusive behavior and accepting it as normal. Now the unraveling over the last 20 years of my life because I understood that notion early are still taking what feels like forever to shift. That shift is showing up and shit is getting real showing me there is more work to be done, despite the thought I had done so much already. My body is showing me there is still nurturing to be done. Still more to learn about casting off others notions that might be buried in my tissues. More to release as my muscles and pain scream back at me whenever there is a trigger that attempts to knock me down off my axis. More to consider what areas of my life would I like to change so that I may have the alignment and harmony I DESIRE outside of another's notions.
But just for today--- I will hug myself, eat pancakes, and consider my written account here as part of my process and personal awareness journey towards feeling solid in my autonomy and the release of stored energies that no longer serve me in my body.
Be gentle my friends. The journey is vast wide and filled with both joy and boogers.
