Thank you Lyme and Covid for teaching me a more in depth conversation with my body about what is mine to work through, and what isn't.
I never thought I'd find my warrior self in a position of just NOT fighting. She has been so present during my reacclimation to feeling like I could even choose to life life on purpose. I see her standing there beside me. Her hair is styled in dreadhawk with rings. Nose pierced, she wears leather garb and arm bands. Many Days I see her in bare feet. She carries a spear like weapon and is taller than me, a longer heart shaped face. There are times I see her raging with me and at me saying... YOU CAN DO THIS promising to keep me going. She trusted the journey. I didn't.
Many times i wished for death because the amount of personal change I was experiencing was too great to take on at times. My body felt like it was dying. I could not even with my tools get ahold of the sensations and symptoms I was experiencing. I don't think it was a coincidence that Lyme fully manifested during Covid. During a chaotic time period in history where people for brief moment found silence because they were forced to. Found moments of connection in new ways that quickly demised into division because of belief sets of fear, politics, health issues, the very need to feel safe in ourselves and with our government.
The truth is every time I got ready to rise through chronic illness, something would knock me on my ass. EVERY DAMN TIME. I won't detail each mirror moment here, but with the help of my trusty partner Lish, we would constantly explore what the hell was going on during this crazy time of history, planetary, worldly, and personally. We would track, look, and sit with data and information, and most importantly trying to lean into and learn through the empathic discernment... Is this mine and mine alone? The last two years have been much been a cycle of crying, sickness, rage at inability to function, realizing I haven't actually been able to love myself unless I was in a thrive state. The ever present Warrior self standing by watching me. There were definitely times this aspect of self just watched me calmly. Then in September a knowing dropped in. I could leave treatment, I was going to be able to move past this, and I started making progress on small things using the theory of time on task, over time. I started to prepare for that. Hired a coach, paid for some classes, and ran all my thoughts by Aaron and Lish as my trusted advisors and the two people out of all my friendships for this period who made themselves fully available to support me through this without me asking.
December came and Covid hit me. It triggered the symptomatology of the Lyme, the mental health confusion, the body complications, and the willingness to die all over again. I didn't think it was possible to go through two dark nights of the soul that fast. I was wrong. I prepared again for never being able to go forward into anything. That I'd be stuck this way forever no matter how much I cleared or tracked.
SIDE NOTE: Lyme and Covid are have a VERY mental based component regardless of physical implications and because of that state for me, my truth was a conglomerate of timelines, fears, realizations, and struggle with out so much as the ability to fix or do it all myself as I normally would have most of my life. My current and past life wasn't winking me in the face, it was the goddamn radio blaring outside my window constantly from the movie "Say Anything". My Warrior self stared at me in silence and then stood next to me.
It took until The End of January for me to remotely feel like I could get my feet under my ass to move forward with any assemblance of confidence because I had completely lost confidence in working, body, and trusting the journey as I had at times before. I don't expect anyone to understand this because so many details and occurrences contributed to this alongside the experience of this, but I felt the lioness, the sparklefarts unicorn, the Warrior rise up again to say -- LETS DO THIS. Mostly because of this one piece I received while doing Reiki on myself before sleep just before the end of January.
I opened myself fully to channel to just listen and absorb what healing came in. I made no intentions, I just said what the hell do I have to do?
A voice said.... Kaile "realize your wellness" After that it was like combination of movies, notions, knowings, and much of it gleaned from experiences I had through wonderings and observations dropped into me. From Lyme. From Covid Culture. From experiencing a nasty version of that rona pony first hand. I usually feel a slam with data sets, this however was just suddenly there without the Warrior fight. It was there with the realization of the collective consciousness that I knew I was apart of as a very expanded multidimensional. I said to myself... Holy shit where ever I am now the sickness and struggles and emotional, physical sensations aren't even mine anymore. Empath 101 OOPSE. I became subject to the classic blunder of the disempowered empath. To be well and have wellness there is a part of us that will eventually need to to just realize we are actually healthy. That we can realize a version or form of health despite sickness. That our body knows exactly what it needs to do and it is our job to support it by whatever means. It means having that knowing that through whatever chronic illness or suffering we might experience, some of it may not even be ours to claim as we so often do as soon as we feel pain or an emotion. When we do own it, it might as well become ours and take seat in our tissues and functions.
Whatever is next for me, I know I don't need to own all parts of every experience that knocks my five and extra sensory experiences. That what I'm feeling, at this point, is no longer mine to own as I see threads connected to the collective mass upset, sadness, and inner rage that others feel too supressed or unsure of how to express. Since that realization, my energy has tripled, I feel stronger, and more willing to move forward. Momentum has come back. I don't plan on wasting it. My Warrior self is holding space with her ready spear for when she needs it. Even as I write this I feel her hold my face in her hands, she kisses my forehead, and stands behind me to have my back.
Party on. Game on. Love on.
