I have always seem to go through cycles of moving through seriously deep shit. I rise get frustrated, ash, and then redirect myself into something further.
This morning I came to my self and the great whatever is watching out there and I laid in childs pose after lighting a candle in my cauldron with some red sandalwood powder and palo wood.
I asked the palo wood to carry my prayers to those of the highest and best who would listen. I bent down put my head to the floor and said "I can't fix this. I can't solve any of whats in my heart anymore. Please hear my fears, my concerns, and my intentions" I struggled to decide on a music for background noise, and settled on a reiki chant song for one of the master symbols. I heard in my head this is going to be better for you if you sit up. I moved from child's pose in to seated cross legged position. Then a shape began to form in my minds eye as the smoke was going into the air. At first I could not tell if it was a man or a woman because I often feel like my mind tries to control what I'm seeing when its something for myself. THen gentle the figure formed. Sitting cross legged in front of me, long braids with a part in the middle of the hair. Not completely young, but not completely old either. Robes and a native american breastplate. Shoulders seemed covered in a an additional garment. A shawl? A fur mantle? I wasn't sure. A smile and a pipe was offered to me. This pipe had red areas on it and glowed. I took the pipe and inhaled. I immediately began to feel clearer. I tried to understand who I was sitting with. I don't have tons of knowledge of the native peoples or the guides they worked with outside metaphysical rhetoric, and I being a white person and recently in my journey feeling shameful for it was thinking would a native person really sit with me? We smiled together and the pipe kept being offered to me multiple times. I became aware that I was in some sort of a teepee. There were others around me. I suddenly became aware that I was in the center of this teepee with this soul while others had HUGE bushes of sage and they were brushing me down with them. I felt a light energy sweep mindfully gentle and slow from my crown to my hips on both my left and right sides. I heard "We're clearing you" I looked at the figure. I was offered the pipe again. I inhaled and the figure had just had that knowing smile but stoic calm and peace. I asked "What do I do about the things I offered in prayer? Whats one thing I can do?" I was shown I had a piece of someones heart still burning inside with mine. I was told "let it go back to him and let him walk his own peace path." I thought that was interesting; his peace path. I had a quick knowing that a peace path in this instance was allowing someone to walk their own way in all thier struggles and joys. A learning. Their own path of learning with all the junk and the good. This being then reached into my chest and took out a center handful of what looked like an ember. She blew on it and it burned so bright like a fire. She said "give it back." I said I don't know how. I didn't even realize I had that. Can you give it back? I give my permission." I then understood that it was a huge portion of why I was struggling to connect with one of my prayers intended earlier.
She blew on it again and it dissolved into fire fly like sparks that traveled away from me back to the owner. It didnt feel like a soul fragment. This was different. But I let her let it go for me. I kept hearing names in my head wich I only assumed at times was my ego controlling. I had an knowing I was sitting with someone called White Buffalo. Then I kept hearing Sitting bull. So I sat with her, and waited, asked her name. Realizing now that it was a female. She said "You already know who I am," and the feeling of the White Buffalo name came in again. We sat together passing the pipe back and forth and when this knowing hit me I cried. For she heard my prayers and in a calm ceremonial like meeting that felt like friends, She helped me. I still feel super emotional and am crying small amounts as a write this. I truly want to hold on to this medicine and have it relieve me from the distress and pain surrounding the intention I needed help with. May this be a new beginning. I googled after the meditation and did some truth tracking to make sure I wasn't seeing things and the information I had been gifted was truth. I didn't realize this figure White Buffalo Calf Woman was of supernatural origin as one culture suggests. I wanted to find a picture of her to see if it would match I found a few which confirmed for me the dress pipe and a few other depictions. I feel lighter at this moment. I feel extremely blessed. I pray that I carry this peace into the rest of my being and to be able to call upon it when I feel otherwise. Aho.